THIS IS THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING WEBSITE.

Your motherfucking websites got nothing compared to this beauty.

▼ scroll thingy ▼

LIKE SERIOUSLY, DOES IT EVEN FUCKING MATTER?

If you look at the granddaddies of motherfucking websites, every single one of them say that websites are bloated, and therefore need to look fugly to stay lightweight. What a stupid idea.

You guys fucking complain about page load while trying to load YouTube from your Google Fiber whereas I, a third-world country peasant, would cry tears of actual joy if true broadband connection would ever reach us. Y'all keep trying to pretend that page bloat is a big fucking issue, and that the existence of JavaScript has become a bane to humanity's shitty existence, yet forgot that web performance is something that requires some TLC and actual fucking effort, and all of the page bloat hoohah doesn't even matter as much anymore.

This is where The Best Motherfucking WebsiteTBMFW comes in. To prove all you fuckers wrong, plus it also works as an eye bleach.

Now I know you're probably thinking, really?

WELL, GUESS WHAT:

Look at this fucking beauty. It's sleek. It loads faster than you can even take a shit. And not to mention that it still has all the glory of a perfect-ass website:

  • Shit loads fast, even with bloody React thrown into the mix.
  • Still fits on all of your shitty screens.
  • Still looks the same in all your shitty browsers.
  • The motherfucker's still accessible to every asshole that visits your site[1].
  • Uses some actual design elements, to further bring the point home.
  • Is entirely open source.

[1] Okay, listen up here. HTML5 adoption in browsers has reached the tipping point. Unless you're one of those weirdos still using Windows fucking XP, then every shitty browser there is ― Edge, Safari, even Internet fucking Explorer ― has implemented the core bits of HTML5. No fucking excuses.

MODERN JAVASCRIPT WITHOUT THE HEADACHE.

The JavaScript ecosystem is exploding like uncontained diarrhea, and in the middle of that overall page size on the Web also increased. So you might think that websites will load slower than ever.

Wrong, motherfucker.

Look at how fast this shit loads. It's faster than you can even take a shit. This website is rendered with Gatsby.js, a fawesome static-site generator powered by React which shits out pre-rendered static pages with extra optimization.

And to make things better, the source code is written with static typing, so that the computer shames your shitty coding skills into fixing the inherent type errors in your fucking codebase. I use TypeScript, it's fucking awesome.

PERFORMANCE WITHOUT THE UNNECESSARY DIET.

Think your website is fat? Been thinking to take your website on an unnecessary diet? Stop the fuck right there. Your motherfucking website looks fine as it is, don't let anybody fucking tell you otherwise.

But "page bloat", you say? Sure, back in ye olde Web 2.0 days, this was a problem. But the thing is, on the modern web, page bloat has become much less of a fucking issue than whether or not we should put in pineapple on a fucking pizza[1]. Especially when many tools do all the heavylifting of performance work for your lazy ass.

[1] Well hey, I don't care whatever the fuck you do to your pizza, I'm not your mom. So if it tastes good for you, then... why the hell not?

Strap yourselves in, motherfuckers, because I'm going to introduce you to the PRPL pattern ― the Pilates of web development. Push your important resources of your initial route with <link rel="preload"> or HTTP/2. Only then you can render the initial route of your shitty-ass page. Inline your CSS too for good measure. If your CSS load blocks the rendering of your page, fuck you.

Of course, chances are, your motherfucking website contains other child routes, like your shitty /blog, so pre-cache those motherfuckers. Then lazy-load them, meaning only load them when needed, and not during the initial page load.

GOOD DESIGN WITHOUT THE TORTURE.

I'm gonna level with you. I'm suffering from a rare health condition known as "CSS-itis". It prevents me from doing productive shit with, and even touching a single line of CSS, if I could help it. I never thought I would see the light of day.

Here's a solution: CSS-in-JS. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Designing React components is already a pain in the ass, especially with global styles. Thank fuck for CSS Modules, which breaks your CSS down to components, makes them importable in your JavaScript, and is also pairable with SCSS. There's also a lot of other options, like Styled Components, Emotion, glamorous, etc.

So here you go, all the goodness of React styling, rolled into this very page. Beautiful typography. And alignment. Also, light-coloured backgrounds are for losers. I like it dark. It's edgy as fuck. Plus, it doesn't hurt your fucking eyes when you're looking at this beauty for 16 hours straight.

AND YES, THIS WHOLE THING IS STILL SATIRE, YOU DIPSHIT.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and end it on a positive note. Yes, it's true that the average webpage is now the size of the original DOOM, but the average size of video games have exponentially grown as well. In fact, the developers of No Man's Sky tried to make their procedurally-generated game as small as they can. Look how well that turned out.

My point is, sure, page bloat matters to a degree, but it matters less than what it used to be. Sure, the JavaScript platform is exploding like diarrhea, and we've seen a lot of shitty apps written in JavaScript as of late. But just like many other shitty languages, the language itself is hardly an issue. Any bad developer can take any platform/ecosystem and shit on it.

"Make Web Development Great Again? Actually, it's already great."

— Random American

Anyways, this website is made by me, and the domain name is generously donated by him. It's entirely open-source and available on GitHub.