THIS IS THE BEST MOTHERFUCKING WEBSITE.
Your motherfucking websites got nothing compared to this beauty.
LIKE SERIOUSLY, DOES IT EVEN FUCKING MATTER?
This is where The Best Motherfucking Website ― TBMFW ― comes in. To prove all you fuckers wrong, plus it also works as an eye bleach.
Now I know you're probably thinking, really?
WELL, GUESS WHAT:
Look at this fucking beauty. It's sleek. It loads faster than you can even take a shit. And not to mention that it still has all the glory of a perfect-ass website:
- Shit loads fast, even with bloody React thrown into the mix.
- Still fits on all of your shitty screens.
- Still looks the same in all your shitty browsers.
- The motherfucker's still accessible to every asshole that visits your site.
- Uses some actual design elements, to further bring the point home.
- Is entirely open source.
 Okay, listen up here. HTML5 adoption in browsers has reached the tipping point. Unless you're one of those weirdos still using Windows fucking XP, then every shitty browser there is ― Edge, Safari, even Internet fucking Explorer ― has implemented the core bits of HTML5. No fucking excuses.
Look at how fast this shit loads. It's faster than you can even take a shit. This website is rendered with Gatsby.js, a fawesome static-site generator powered by React which shits out pre-rendered static pages with extra optimization.
And to make things better, the source code is written with static typing, so that the computer shames your shitty coding skills into fixing the inherent type errors in your fucking codebase. I use TypeScript, it's fucking awesome.
PERFORMANCE WITHOUT THE UNNECESSARY DIET.
Think your website is fat? Been thinking to take your website on an unnecessary diet? Stop the fuck right there. Your motherfucking website looks fine as it is, don't let anybody fucking tell you otherwise.
But "page bloat", you say? Sure, back in ye olde Web 2.0 days, this was a problem. But the thing is, on the modern web, page bloat has become much less of a fucking issue than whether or not we should put in pineapple on a fucking pizza. Especially when many tools do all the heavylifting of performance work for your lazy ass.
 Well hey, I don't care whatever the fuck you do to your pizza, I'm not your mom. So if it tastes good for you, then... why the hell not?
Strap yourselves in, motherfuckers, because I'm going to introduce you to the PRPL pattern ― the Pilates of web development. Push your important resources of your initial route with
<link rel="preload"> or HTTP/2. Only then you can render the initial route of your shitty-ass page. Inline your CSS too for good measure. If your CSS load blocks the rendering of your page, fuck you.
Of course, chances are, your motherfucking website contains other child routes, like your shitty
/blog, so pre-cache those motherfuckers. Then lazy-load them, meaning only load them when needed, and not during the initial page load.
GOOD DESIGN WITHOUT THE TORTURE.
I'm gonna level with you. I'm suffering from a rare health condition known as "CSS-itis". It prevents me from doing productive shit with, and even touching a single line of CSS, if I could help it. I never thought I would see the light of day.
So here you go, all the goodness of React styling, rolled into this very page. Beautiful typography. And alignment. Also, light-coloured backgrounds are for losers. I like it dark. It's edgy as fuck. Plus, it doesn't hurt your fucking eyes when you're looking at this beauty for 16 hours straight.
AND YES, THIS WHOLE THING IS STILL SATIRE, YOU DIPSHIT.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and end it on a positive note. Yes, it's true that the average webpage is now the size of the original DOOM, but the average size of video games have exponentially grown as well. In fact, the developers of No Man's Sky tried to make their procedurally-generated game as small as they can. Look how well that turned out.
"Make Web Development Great Again? Actually, it's already great."— Random American